I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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