Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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