Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
