i don't like sucking hair
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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