I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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