Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
