Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
