two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
