i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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