I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize