I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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