..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
