she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
