We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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