i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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