So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
