my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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