i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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