My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
True strength comes from lack of pants
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
