I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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