i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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