i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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