don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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