: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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