She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
