3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm getting married
To pizza
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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