I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize