Someone shit on the floor
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
