And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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