I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
