I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize