In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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