I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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