Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
