I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
