the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
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i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My bed smells like the plague
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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