I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
