So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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