I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
