i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
