somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
