i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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