Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
