He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
