tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
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