at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
