Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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