so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
