Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
