We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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