She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
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