I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
