umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
