I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
