I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
