My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Randomize
