Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
