I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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