I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
