It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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