you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
