no. you can't hotbox the world.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
