I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
