You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
